FTD and living with a shell of a man.

This is a subject that is extremely painful for me.When I needed support going through all the piles of changes this disease has wrought.I found out,most people weren't there.The hardest for me ,has been 3 of my 4 sons,being in denial about this whole thing,and I have to keep everything in for most people.I have lived this Hell for over 2 years now.I urge any of you who love me,go to the FTD org,look it up on a search,and go there.It is one of the least known of the dementias.
After a year of medical testing,and lots of BS,Hershey Medical in PA said there is definitely shrinkage in the frontal lobe of my husband's brain.
Unlike Alzheimers,his memory is ok,but it affects,mood,inhibition or lack thereof,my husband who was once shy in many matters,on a regular basis is lewd,crude,and acts totally inappropriate.
I used to be able to talk to Paul,my hubby about anythin,now it is impossible.He gets paranoid at times,he hears things that are not there.He picks fights for no apparent reason.He sleeps 98 percent of the time when he is home and not working.I could go on forever,everything about him is polar opposite of the man I have been with for 25 years.
My frustration today and for the past several weeks,besides dealing with a crazy man,is I have to keep all my feelings inside.People do not get it,especially my 3 sons.This has hurt me so much.Of course they don't live with him,they don't see him as much.I belong to a FTD support forum,and everything I am going through is common among FTD dementia.They are a lifeline to me.He barely brushes his teeth anymore,if I didn't say anything many times he wouldn't shower.The hardest thing for me to deal with is he has no insight whatsoever into his behavior.This frustrates me to no end.He can scream and yell at me,and than if I try and talk nicely to him about it,he says he doesn't know what I am talking about.
This disease has turned him into a 5 year old.Even though I know he can't help it,every day a piece of my soul crumbles.More to follow.....

The Big D is Back,Living with Depression

Chaos,that is how my brain,my emotions and heart feel.The past few days,all i want to do is sleep.I just spent some time trying to clean up my moms guest room,and of course because of my damn knee,my arthritis I have to take lots of breaks.Than I ask myself,I am doing this because I don't want to hear any shit from mom.She is a neat freak,a cleanliness nut.I am not.Hubby and I tried to talk about money.Dead End.He insists on being 100 percent truthful about his business income tax.We are broke,we just barely have enough money,and he wants to just give it away.
My house is falling apart.I don't want luxury ,I just want basic maintenance.I feel like screaming!

I will try and write more later,my brain hurts right now....

Starting a New Blog

Hello everyone.I finally can think,and have gotten over mostly the exhaustion from the U.Penn Journey.The Good News is,Paul does not have frontotemporal dementia.The bad news is,he does have brain shrinkage,and some deficits,and it could turn into dementia down the road.Now we both have to work on rebuilding this shattered marriage.The Good News,We both seem to want the same thing for our marriage.The Bad....i feel like a shell of a woman,a person.I feel like I am drifting ,lost ,very lost at sea.
So,either I will figure out how to change the title of this blog,or create a totally new one.....I will keep you posted.
I missed writing on this blog,and I missed all of you,my soul sisters across the web...Peace

High Anxiety!

I have been running around all morning,getting ready for the big trip tomorrow.Lots of dog stuff to bring in the car to the kennel,getting 2 big dogs in the car,the 2- minute car trip,getting them out of the car,into the kennel.Did I tell you already I hate leaving the dogs at the kennel??!!!
I have learned,through this Dementia thing,that my patience level is low.I have been under so much stress for such a long time,I can't tolerate much stress anymore.I need lots of patience with hubby now.I wonder how I make it through each day.When people say,One day at a time,how about one minute at a time??
I hate long car rides,but I have to go .Husband stresses me out just being at home now,I have to have the long car ride with someone who is impaired.Oh well,I am glad the Dr. is going to see him,and it will be over with before I know it.Peace....

Countdown to Wednesday

This may be the last blog until next week.I was originally going to take hubby to Hershey U.Penn ,than he got mad and told me he didn't want me to go.Dr,emailed me this am,and said I have to go.I knew that it was crucial for me to be there,since hubby does not think there is anything wrong with him.Anyway,so glad I got the dogs their kennel cough spray and their rabies shots.Now I have them ready to go.Called the kennel back,the lady must think I am nuts!So will be dropping 2 dogs off there tomorrow afternoon.We leave Wed am at 6.Paul's first appt is Thursday 10:30 am.According to a lady from my support board,Paul will be testing most of 2 days.So I think,we will be heading back down here on Saturday,but am not sure.
Anyway....I have to leave my comfort zone once again,which hasn't been too much of a comfort zone anyway,with the way hubby is acting.
I hate leaving my dogs at the kennel,but this appt is so crucial it is not funny.I know they will survive,but they are older,and I still hate it.

Anyway,if I don't post tomorrow,I will surely post when I get back and update you on the latest in the diagnosis of Paul.Peace

Lazy Days and Wind!

It is 8:48 EST,I basically laid around all day,in between chores of course.Hubby was home most of the day,and didn't talk much,and was blank,but at least he wasn;'t mean.It is so weird to have your husband here,but not really"here"It is lonely,but I best get used to it,it isn't going to get any better,it will get worse.
I am happy Paul decided he didn't want me to go to U.Penn with him.I can't take any more stress right now.My knee and legs have had it from overdoing it since my surgery in December.

Youngest son moved out this weekend.Of course he still has a crap load of stuff here.I am happy though,he has his own place,but it is just down the road.
Youngest son can drive me crazy,but I love him,he will always be my baby.My oldest son comes home to SC tomorrow to see his wife and daughter,after being at my ex husband's funeral.This whole week felt surreal.Actually my whole life has felt surreal.
Hubby also has been sleeping most of the day,actually 99 percent of the day.That is what he does mostly now when he is home.Sleeps,eats snacks,sleeps some more,drives me nuts,sleeps...you get the pictures.
I just finished 2 Vampire books,by a new author I discovered.I have the 3rd one here,but I started reading something spiritual,mind you,not religious,spiritual.So far I read 5 chapters.
I have been playing a lot of handheld yahtzee to keep me from going insane.
LOL It is 36 degrees here,and I have my desk fan on from hot flashes!I know there are lots of other women out there with the same problem.
I have been trying to eat better again,which I managed to do for a year and a half,and than I went crazy when all the crap with hubby went down.I am not being crazy,but trying to make better choices.I have no desire to starve myself.
All my days,seem to run into each other,since I no longer have a spouse.Well you know what I mean,his brain is gone.
Whether I want it or not,my life has changed forever,and I best deal with it.Peace

The Waiting Game

High anxiety.That is how I feel these days.U.Penn called today,and got Paul preregistered.I am glad,on the other hand,scared.If this new Doc doesn't find anything,then I am living with a psychopath and I have to make plans.Plans for my future that don't include him.
I have been really hurting about my middle 2 sons.I have though back over the years.There were many times where things happened between me and Paul ,and Paul told the boys bad things about me,they had no business knowing.So I am very angry at Paul right now.Of course ,that is not the only reason.
It is a huge reason though.I have put up with so much crap from him for 23 years,they act like he was a saint.I taught him how to be a better parent.When I met him,and say how he treated his 2 kids from his first marriage,I was scared.I was also trapped.Ex left me,no money,no place to go.So,I walk right into another fire.Maybe I am so damaged from my baggage,and I wanted everything to be good.I prayed it would be good,I tried to make it good.I can't make a relationship by myself.It takes two.
Even though I know,besides my faults,I was a damn good wife to him,and mother to my sons,it hurts me to my soul to be treated like a stranger to my husband,and by my 2 middle sons.
I just can't let it go.I try,but I can't.
Even though Paul is alive in some ways,the Paul I fell in love with is gone.The person who replaced him is horrible.Evil,nasty,viscious and cruel and very spiteful.
If it wasn't for my cats and dogs,I would have been gone already.This is killing me,my spirit,heart and soul.I can't take it much longer.I want peace ,peace ,peace.I don't think I will ever have it.
BTW...I was supposed to go to Hershey U.Penn with him,but he doesn't want me to go,and frankly between my knee surgery,the grandaughters birth,the day to day living with Satan.I have nothing left.I am utterly exhausted.This is the end of the road.If this Doc finds nothing wrong,husband said he will go to no more Doctors.