High anxiety.That is how I feel these days.U.Penn called today,and got Paul preregistered.I am glad,on the other hand,scared.If this new Doc doesn't find anything,then I am living with a psychopath and I have to make plans.Plans for my future that don't include him.
I have been really hurting about my middle 2 sons.I have though back over the years.There were many times where things happened between me and Paul ,and Paul told the boys bad things about me,they had no business knowing.So I am very angry at Paul right now.Of course ,that is not the only reason.
It is a huge reason though.I have put up with so much crap from him for 23 years,they act like he was a saint.I taught him how to be a better parent.When I met him,and say how he treated his 2 kids from his first marriage,I was scared.I was also trapped.Ex left me,no money,no place to go.So,I walk right into another fire.Maybe I am so damaged from my baggage,and I wanted everything to be good.I prayed it would be good,I tried to make it good.I can't make a relationship by myself.It takes two.
Even though I know,besides my faults,I was a damn good wife to him,and mother to my sons,it hurts me to my soul to be treated like a stranger to my husband,and by my 2 middle sons.
I just can't let it go.I try,but I can't.
Even though Paul is alive in some ways,the Paul I fell in love with is gone.The person who replaced him is horrible.Evil,nasty,viscious and cruel and very spiteful.
If it wasn't for my cats and dogs,I would have been gone already.This is killing me,my spirit,heart and soul.I can't take it much longer.I want peace ,peace ,peace.I don't think I will ever have it.
BTW...I was supposed to go to Hershey U.Penn with him,but he doesn't want me to go,and frankly between my knee surgery,the grandaughters birth,the day to day living with Satan.I have nothing left.I am utterly exhausted.This is the end of the road.If this Doc finds nothing wrong,husband said he will go to no more Doctors.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
One more thing to add
I forgot to mention,Satan aka Paul told my sons terrible things about me at various times when they were growing up.Things that should have been between me and him.So I partially blame him for the estrangement of my 3 sons.I hate you ,son of a bitch!
When Love Dies,And My Marriage is Over
I feel dead inside.I have reached the point of no return with my "marriage"it is not really a marriage ,it is in legal terms only.My marriage ended a long time ago.Just took me so friggin long to see.
Two nights ago,Satan aka hubby said the most cruel and hurtful things to me.I will never forget them,as they stabbed me in my already bleeding heart.He told me he is the way he is because he had to deal with my depression all these years.That I am the reason he is stressed and miserable.
He may as well have taken a dagger to my heart.I sat there sobbing,and of course because something is really wrong with his brain,no emotion,no reaction.
Pitiful,my life is pitiful.
Even though Paul has gotten much much worse,I have been flashing back to the very beginning of our marriage.It made Paul feel powerful and in control,because I was so needy and desperate.As long as I was dealing with my baggage,he felt like a man.He certainly came into the relationship with his own fucking baggage.He was a crack addict when I met him,and I didn't know.My ex husband had a coke problem,and I don't mean Coca-Cola either.However with Paul,instead of acting like speed with him,it mellowed him out.I went through hell in those years.
He has never been an easy person to live with.Whenever we have had problems,arguments,he has always blamed me for everything,my family blamed me for everything,when I was growing up,and my 2 middle sons and my youngest blame me as well.
Folks I am fed up,I have absolutely had it .No one else is going to shit on me,and me just take it.
I am taking my life back.I may be poor,may be penniless,but at least i will have my dignity!
I have also decided the 2 of the "friends" in my life are going to be no longer.They bring me down,make me feel worse about myself.Good Bye,you are dragging me down,and you no longer have a place in my life.I would rather be alone,than feel like shit whenever I talk to you or see you.
I am going to start going to plays,concerts,lectures,etc...I am going to create my own life,on my terms.If anyone doesn't like it,I don't care.
It is long overdue.
From my biological father,to my ex husband,to other men,and therapists and Doctors.YOu have shit on this chick for the last time.
We women are raised that it is not lady like to get angry,.Bull CRAP!We are entitled to our emotions the same as you shit head men,whoever you may be.
I am going to treat myself to the movies,breakfast,lunch,whatever.I don't need a man to complete my life.I have put off my needs,wants and desires for everyone else.It is my turn baby,at 46 I am going to take care of me,think of what I want and need for my well being.
This is my Declaration of Independence World!Do not Fuck with me,ya hear???I am no doormat,I am no idiot.Just because I have depression ,and I am not perfect,gives no one the right to shit on me.
I am going to live today!Peace....
Two nights ago,Satan aka hubby said the most cruel and hurtful things to me.I will never forget them,as they stabbed me in my already bleeding heart.He told me he is the way he is because he had to deal with my depression all these years.That I am the reason he is stressed and miserable.
He may as well have taken a dagger to my heart.I sat there sobbing,and of course because something is really wrong with his brain,no emotion,no reaction.
Pitiful,my life is pitiful.
Even though Paul has gotten much much worse,I have been flashing back to the very beginning of our marriage.It made Paul feel powerful and in control,because I was so needy and desperate.As long as I was dealing with my baggage,he felt like a man.He certainly came into the relationship with his own fucking baggage.He was a crack addict when I met him,and I didn't know.My ex husband had a coke problem,and I don't mean Coca-Cola either.However with Paul,instead of acting like speed with him,it mellowed him out.I went through hell in those years.
He has never been an easy person to live with.Whenever we have had problems,arguments,he has always blamed me for everything,my family blamed me for everything,when I was growing up,and my 2 middle sons and my youngest blame me as well.
Folks I am fed up,I have absolutely had it .No one else is going to shit on me,and me just take it.
I am taking my life back.I may be poor,may be penniless,but at least i will have my dignity!
I have also decided the 2 of the "friends" in my life are going to be no longer.They bring me down,make me feel worse about myself.Good Bye,you are dragging me down,and you no longer have a place in my life.I would rather be alone,than feel like shit whenever I talk to you or see you.
I am going to start going to plays,concerts,lectures,etc...I am going to create my own life,on my terms.If anyone doesn't like it,I don't care.
It is long overdue.
From my biological father,to my ex husband,to other men,and therapists and Doctors.YOu have shit on this chick for the last time.
We women are raised that it is not lady like to get angry,.Bull CRAP!We are entitled to our emotions the same as you shit head men,whoever you may be.
I am going to treat myself to the movies,breakfast,lunch,whatever.I don't need a man to complete my life.I have put off my needs,wants and desires for everyone else.It is my turn baby,at 46 I am going to take care of me,think of what I want and need for my well being.
This is my Declaration of Independence World!Do not Fuck with me,ya hear???I am no doormat,I am no idiot.Just because I have depression ,and I am not perfect,gives no one the right to shit on me.
I am going to live today!Peace....
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Early Morning Shock
I got a phone call 6:30 this am from my oldest son.My ex husband,his father died at 48 years old,while undergoing a routine hernia operation.There was no love lost between me and his father.However,I do feel sadness for my 3 oldest sons.The weren't super close to their dad,but in his own warped way,I am sure he loved them.
My oldest son was so torn up,because finally he gets to bring his baby girl home from the hospital today,and now he has to go to a funeral.
It is amazing how life's big twists can bring you back to an earlier time.I remember being crazy madly in love with this man,than after he left me with 3 toddlers and no money,such hatred.
Over the years,I wouldn't say I hated him,but I couldn't stand to be in his company either.Had to go through 3 weddings,with him there.He was pleasant,but I hated seeing him.
It amazes me,that now they lost their biological father,and their Step dad,Paulie is gone to them also because of the dementia.Of course it will kill him eventually.I think I am still in shock from this am's phone call.I just got back from the vet(big ordeal)2 big dogs.Now they will be able to go to the kennel,while I take hubby to UPenn.
I was very very sad when I went to bed.I can't believe how uncomfortable I feel in my own home when Paul is home.There is so much silence now.It is like having someone already dead but their body still there.Very weird feeling.I do feel bad for my exes wife too.It was his third marriage,and they have only been married 2 years.Well I think that is all for right now.Peace
My oldest son was so torn up,because finally he gets to bring his baby girl home from the hospital today,and now he has to go to a funeral.
It is amazing how life's big twists can bring you back to an earlier time.I remember being crazy madly in love with this man,than after he left me with 3 toddlers and no money,such hatred.
Over the years,I wouldn't say I hated him,but I couldn't stand to be in his company either.Had to go through 3 weddings,with him there.He was pleasant,but I hated seeing him.
It amazes me,that now they lost their biological father,and their Step dad,Paulie is gone to them also because of the dementia.Of course it will kill him eventually.I think I am still in shock from this am's phone call.I just got back from the vet(big ordeal)2 big dogs.Now they will be able to go to the kennel,while I take hubby to UPenn.
I was very very sad when I went to bed.I can't believe how uncomfortable I feel in my own home when Paul is home.There is so much silence now.It is like having someone already dead but their body still there.Very weird feeling.I do feel bad for my exes wife too.It was his third marriage,and they have only been married 2 years.Well I think that is all for right now.Peace
Monday, March 3, 2008
My life in the madhouse
The past week or so,Paul aka Satan,has been making all kinds of weird noises and vocalizations.Tonight he was mostly silent upon coming home from work,than he started singing nonsense in a falsetto voice.It is driving me mad!
Lately he mimics the birds outside,the cats,the tv,the appliances.He talks to himself all the time,and no I am not talking about what we all do ladies .I mean he really talks to himself.This is the most bizarre disease I have ever seen.I can't wait until he is mute.I know sounds terrible,but on my blog I aim to keep it real.So being real,I do not want any of this,I do not feel anything towards hubby anymore.Living like this 4-5 years is damaging,it has damaged my heart,my soul,and a lot of my love.
Whoever is out there and is living with a spouse with frontotemporal dementia,or some other kind,you know what I mean?
I am awaiting the Dr. in Hershey,I had Paul's records faxed today.I need to know asap,so I can get a cheap hotel room,while we are there.I want closure,I want a Dr. to listen to me,and do the right tests.This is the end of the Medical road for us,Paul said,if this guy says nothing is wrong,that is that.
So a lot is hinging on this diagnostic testing.Of course my sanity for one thing.I feel as if I have been holding on by a mere thread.
It is so weird to have this man ,who is legally my husband,not share anything anymore.We always talked about the kids,now he never mentions our 4 sons.He used to call me every morning,just to hear my voice,now he rarely calls,and if he does,he is pretty unintelligable on the phone,sometimes he j ust stops talking and there is silence.
My heart hurts because of Donovan.My precious Donovan,who I will never know.My family is my life,has been my life,and 2 have 2 sons so cold,I can't understand it.It is not like they ever said,Hey mom I am pissed off at you because of.........They haven't told me anything.I can handle the truth,I can't handle cruelty,especially at the hands of my 2 middle sons.
I am in isolation mode this week,it is my way of protecting myself from all the Shitheads out there,and boy there are plenty.So many hurtful things said to me over the past few years,few months,few weeks.So I go inside my own little cocoon,and stay by myself .I need to shut the crazy world out for a few days.
It is nighttime,which means lonliness.At least it was a lovely day,and I got to sit on the porch a lot with the dogs.Nice breeze,quiet.
Youngest son moves out this weekend.He is back to denial about his dad.So that means I am the baddie all over again.
Time for a cigarette...Peace
Lately he mimics the birds outside,the cats,the tv,the appliances.He talks to himself all the time,and no I am not talking about what we all do ladies .I mean he really talks to himself.This is the most bizarre disease I have ever seen.I can't wait until he is mute.I know sounds terrible,but on my blog I aim to keep it real.So being real,I do not want any of this,I do not feel anything towards hubby anymore.Living like this 4-5 years is damaging,it has damaged my heart,my soul,and a lot of my love.
Whoever is out there and is living with a spouse with frontotemporal dementia,or some other kind,you know what I mean?
I am awaiting the Dr. in Hershey,I had Paul's records faxed today.I need to know asap,so I can get a cheap hotel room,while we are there.I want closure,I want a Dr. to listen to me,and do the right tests.This is the end of the Medical road for us,Paul said,if this guy says nothing is wrong,that is that.
So a lot is hinging on this diagnostic testing.Of course my sanity for one thing.I feel as if I have been holding on by a mere thread.
It is so weird to have this man ,who is legally my husband,not share anything anymore.We always talked about the kids,now he never mentions our 4 sons.He used to call me every morning,just to hear my voice,now he rarely calls,and if he does,he is pretty unintelligable on the phone,sometimes he j ust stops talking and there is silence.
My heart hurts because of Donovan.My precious Donovan,who I will never know.My family is my life,has been my life,and 2 have 2 sons so cold,I can't understand it.It is not like they ever said,Hey mom I am pissed off at you because of.........They haven't told me anything.I can handle the truth,I can't handle cruelty,especially at the hands of my 2 middle sons.
I am in isolation mode this week,it is my way of protecting myself from all the Shitheads out there,and boy there are plenty.So many hurtful things said to me over the past few years,few months,few weeks.So I go inside my own little cocoon,and stay by myself .I need to shut the crazy world out for a few days.
It is nighttime,which means lonliness.At least it was a lovely day,and I got to sit on the porch a lot with the dogs.Nice breeze,quiet.
Youngest son moves out this weekend.He is back to denial about his dad.So that means I am the baddie all over again.
Time for a cigarette...Peace
Saturday, March 1, 2008
So blue,So lonely,So down
Weekends used to be so nice,that was before Dementia took over my hubbies brain.Now they are pure Hell.I hate them.My physical health is for sure being effected by his illness,and all the shit I have to put up with.While I am happy to take him to the Dr.in Hershey,Car rides are pure hell with this man.It will be just tons more stress,but I have to do it.
I have been so stressed out lately,my hot flashes have come back with a vengeance.I am already hot natured,so I feel like a human bbq pit.I am at my pc with a fan blowing on my face,and it is only 52 degrees out.
I am really bummed about my 2 middle sons,how they don't seem to care,it really gets to me,I try not to let it,but I can't help it.
My hound dog Gracie who is almost 9 and a half is showing signs of old age,I am noticing little things that are going wrong.My cat Spanky is the oldest cat right now,and ever since Cato died a few months back,he is not the same.He lost weight,he has a cold,he is lethargic.He can't jump as well.I know it broke his heart when Cato went.They were like Salt and Pepper.Destiny my calico who is around 8 has some kind of weird skin thing going on.I take her and Spanky to the vet this week.
I am happy to say my turtle is doing great.She got real sick several months back,and I really though I was going to lose her.I even bought turtle vites off the net,and a new heat lamp.She is doing amazing.I am so happy.
Well my left knee is doing much better,but I notice the past few days,my right knee acting up.I know there is a direct link to depression and body aches.I do have arthritis and fibro,so who knows what is making it hurt.
I woke up from my nap today with a panic attack.I hate when that happens.I feel like a am standing on a deserted island all by myself,with no boat in sight.Peace
I have been so stressed out lately,my hot flashes have come back with a vengeance.I am already hot natured,so I feel like a human bbq pit.I am at my pc with a fan blowing on my face,and it is only 52 degrees out.
I am really bummed about my 2 middle sons,how they don't seem to care,it really gets to me,I try not to let it,but I can't help it.
My hound dog Gracie who is almost 9 and a half is showing signs of old age,I am noticing little things that are going wrong.My cat Spanky is the oldest cat right now,and ever since Cato died a few months back,he is not the same.He lost weight,he has a cold,he is lethargic.He can't jump as well.I know it broke his heart when Cato went.They were like Salt and Pepper.Destiny my calico who is around 8 has some kind of weird skin thing going on.I take her and Spanky to the vet this week.
I am happy to say my turtle is doing great.She got real sick several months back,and I really though I was going to lose her.I even bought turtle vites off the net,and a new heat lamp.She is doing amazing.I am so happy.
Well my left knee is doing much better,but I notice the past few days,my right knee acting up.I know there is a direct link to depression and body aches.I do have arthritis and fibro,so who knows what is making it hurt.
I woke up from my nap today with a panic attack.I hate when that happens.I feel like a am standing on a deserted island all by myself,with no boat in sight.Peace
The Black Dog Returns,I am depressed
I wanted to post last night,just didn't have it in me.I felt really bad yesterday,physically and emotionally.The night before last I tripped and fell,and really hurt myself.I didn't break anything,but I fell on the surgery knee,and my hands with the arthritis are killing me.Nothing new in the Dementia front,except I just can't stand living with my husband this way.It is like being with a 53 year old toddler.
I woke up this am,to a mess in the kitchen,made my husband because he was up all night.The garbage was overflowing,garbage all over.I have enough jobs in the am to do with the cats and dogs and turtle.
Got a call from one of my middle sons,who has kept me away from grandson.I was so sad when I got off the phone.Number one,I could tell by his tone,that he doesn't believe me about his step dad.He wasn't mean,but he wasn't warm either.I raised my sons with lots of love and affection.I can't stand being around cold,robotic people.I can't believe that 2 of my sons are so cold.
Satan just left for mens prayer,what a joke,he is so mean,nasty,cruel,he is everything opposite of how Jesus is.I know it is the Dementia,but at this point,I don't care.
I am so lonely,I am tired of people not believing me about hubbies Dementia.
I have a super busy week coming up,I need to get the 2 dogs Kennel Cough for boarding them when I go to Hershey-UPenn with hubby the week of March 10th.I have 2 sick cats,who I am bringing to the vet this week.I have to contact Duke in NC to get hubbies records faxed to Dr.E in PA.I have to talk with my best bud about cat and turtle care while I am gone.
I have to pay bills,make phone calls,go grocery shopping(yuck),get my rx's refilled,and on and on.
My kitchen floor looks like a mudroom,and I just don't have it in me to mop it.I hate when I feel like this.
Sunday March 9th I get a measly hour or so with my 2 year old grandson.I have to drive 30 minutes to see him,because they won't bring him to our home.I will do it to be with Donovan,but his parents make me angry.
Than the week after we go to PA,I am leaving for a week in SC to spend some good time with new grandaughter Katrina Grace and my son Tom and his super wife Kristin.I am not a big fan of driving long distances,but you do what you gotta do.
My youngest son has been a real snot lately.Last night he upset me,he moves out next weekend,Hooray!He has so much crap in his room upstairs,I can't wait for the room to be empty,so I can someday transform it into a nice sitting room/aka guest room.
I am disgusted with myself and my eating habits.I know how to eat right,I know all about healthy foods,however when I am depressed or sad,I just don't eat right.All my clothing is tight again,it was so nice before all this for the first time in years,to have my clothing baggy.
I don't know what to say to people anymore.When I feel like this I isolate myself.So many people don't know what to say to me,or they say something cruel,or well meaning but stupid,which makes me feel worse.
I have so much to do today,but i don't feel like doing anything but showering and reading.
I check in on my online support group for FTD daily,many times daily.It is my one sanity in my insane world with hubby.Those people truly are the only ones that understand my plight.
I feel bad that we all have to go through this.Peace
I woke up this am,to a mess in the kitchen,made my husband because he was up all night.The garbage was overflowing,garbage all over.I have enough jobs in the am to do with the cats and dogs and turtle.
Got a call from one of my middle sons,who has kept me away from grandson.I was so sad when I got off the phone.Number one,I could tell by his tone,that he doesn't believe me about his step dad.He wasn't mean,but he wasn't warm either.I raised my sons with lots of love and affection.I can't stand being around cold,robotic people.I can't believe that 2 of my sons are so cold.
Satan just left for mens prayer,what a joke,he is so mean,nasty,cruel,he is everything opposite of how Jesus is.I know it is the Dementia,but at this point,I don't care.
I am so lonely,I am tired of people not believing me about hubbies Dementia.
I have a super busy week coming up,I need to get the 2 dogs Kennel Cough for boarding them when I go to Hershey-UPenn with hubby the week of March 10th.I have 2 sick cats,who I am bringing to the vet this week.I have to contact Duke in NC to get hubbies records faxed to Dr.E in PA.I have to talk with my best bud about cat and turtle care while I am gone.
I have to pay bills,make phone calls,go grocery shopping(yuck),get my rx's refilled,and on and on.
My kitchen floor looks like a mudroom,and I just don't have it in me to mop it.I hate when I feel like this.
Sunday March 9th I get a measly hour or so with my 2 year old grandson.I have to drive 30 minutes to see him,because they won't bring him to our home.I will do it to be with Donovan,but his parents make me angry.
Than the week after we go to PA,I am leaving for a week in SC to spend some good time with new grandaughter Katrina Grace and my son Tom and his super wife Kristin.I am not a big fan of driving long distances,but you do what you gotta do.
My youngest son has been a real snot lately.Last night he upset me,he moves out next weekend,Hooray!He has so much crap in his room upstairs,I can't wait for the room to be empty,so I can someday transform it into a nice sitting room/aka guest room.
I am disgusted with myself and my eating habits.I know how to eat right,I know all about healthy foods,however when I am depressed or sad,I just don't eat right.All my clothing is tight again,it was so nice before all this for the first time in years,to have my clothing baggy.
I don't know what to say to people anymore.When I feel like this I isolate myself.So many people don't know what to say to me,or they say something cruel,or well meaning but stupid,which makes me feel worse.
I have so much to do today,but i don't feel like doing anything but showering and reading.
I check in on my online support group for FTD daily,many times daily.It is my one sanity in my insane world with hubby.Those people truly are the only ones that understand my plight.
I feel bad that we all have to go through this.Peace
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