This is my Hope and Prayer

Ok it is 9:11 ,husband is zonked out on his new bed,our family room couch.All the meds have kicked in,Thank God!
I received a beautiful email tonight from a wonderful lady in another state.Everyday I type this gut wrenching stuff,I say a silent prayer,that somehow,somewhere ,some way my blog would help people.People who are suffering just as I am,people who are lonely,fed up ,tired,worn out.Thank you God for answering my prayer.Peace Connie,I needed your email today,I am grateful,Thank you...Good night all

Quote of the Day in honor of Soul Sister and J

"A Chief Event of Life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that Startled Us."Ralph Waldo Emerson

I dedicate this quote to my special pals,Soul Sister and J,I love you both,even though we have never met.Peace

Today.....

Here is the latest from the Dementia front.Last night,I finally had at least 7 hours sleep.That is good.I wasn't functioning well on 2 hours a night.
Husbands neuro upped his meds,and added to mood/antipsychotics.Paul has been becoming violent and aggressive.Thankfully,these meds have mellowed his ass right out.Relief for me,even if for a time.

Am in the process of handling all the household stuff,family is helping,lots to do,lots on my mind,brain overload at least several times daily.
Husband has another test on the 18th,another brain test,and another neuro appt a few days after that.
Youngest son age 20 has been looking for a house to rent.He will be close by,but not in the house watching his father die.I totally understand.
It is extremely hard to watch a once vital and strong,loving man,be reduced to the shell he is now.
Painful does not describe it or even come close.
I have been in the same pajamas for 2 days.I need to take a shower,but that takes too much energy these days.Plus my knee has been killing me the past few days,and my right ankle/foot which has been an ongoing problem,and the list goes on.Peace...

Another day ,another migraine.....

Thankfully I slept last night.Today,another day walking in the fog.Please forgive me if this offends anyone,but last night I wished my husband was dead.Living with him the past 4-5 years has been hell .No picnic,no fun,no life,no love,emotional abuse.Still have the horrible headache,even my strong meds won't take it away.Guess it is a cumilitive stress thing.

I decided today that the end of February,I am getting the hell out of Dodge,aka Keysville Virginia,and going to my oldest sons house in Sumter SC.I need a break from this insanity,this madhouse,this prison.This house which was once my refuge,is now my hell.So I will probably go for about 5 days,and leave youngest son in charge of Dad and the animals.My brain needs a breather.

Reality

I am back to the point where my words are stuck deep within my soul and mind and body.They tear at me,ripping me to shreds,over and over.I want to write my thoughts,but so much pain.Took husband to Neurologist again today,he put him on stronger meds,because husband is becoming violent towards me.In our entire 23 years this has never happened.A damaged brain does crazy things.It was a very stressful day for me.The ride there and back,over 1 and a half hours travel time was pure hell.Paulie does not do well on long car rides anymore.Thank in the Docs office,he told the Doc again,that I was trying to put him in a home and steal his money.I know,it is Dementia talking but it still hurts God Damn it!I broke down and sobbed,I couldn't contain myself any more.
People don't know what to say to me anymore.Pain is uncomfortable,grief is unbearable,depression makes people stay away.
I hid the phones today.Sick of everyone telling me to chin up and think positive.you know what ,you people couldn't last 10 minutes in my world.I should be used to this,but I am not.I am living with a crazy man.He is Dr.Jeckyll and Hyde.Mood changes so rapid,I think I am living with ten people.All escapees from an asylum.
I have given up hope I will ever have peace in this lifetime.That is all i ever wanted.Not money,not fame,material goods,fancy cars,just peace.God that is all I ever asked,and you have never listened to me ever.....

Grief has stolen my voice today

Cannot write today,drowning in grief .I feel like I can't breath.I can't take anymore pain.

Loss of Passion

While these thoughts keep pouring out,I need to get them out.As a survivor of incest and other sexual abuse,Paul is the only man I ever trusted with my body,mind and soul.It took me so long to really enjoy our physical expression of love.I didn't think I would miss it,but I do.I know it is not funny,but it has been so long that even my lubricants have dried up .
I am a passionate soul by nature,so was Paul before FTD.I loved his passion,not just in the bedroom,but just the way he looked at me,and talked to me,and held me ,and kissed me.It is not longer,and I mourn greatly.