FTD and living with a shell of a man.

This is a subject that is extremely painful for me.When I needed support going through all the piles of changes this disease has wrought.I found out,most people weren't there.The hardest for me ,has been 3 of my 4 sons,being in denial about this whole thing,and I have to keep everything in for most people.I have lived this Hell for over 2 years now.I urge any of you who love me,go to the FTD org,look it up on a search,and go there.It is one of the least known of the dementias.
After a year of medical testing,and lots of BS,Hershey Medical in PA said there is definitely shrinkage in the frontal lobe of my husband's brain.
Unlike Alzheimers,his memory is ok,but it affects,mood,inhibition or lack thereof,my husband who was once shy in many matters,on a regular basis is lewd,crude,and acts totally inappropriate.
I used to be able to talk to Paul,my hubby about anythin,now it is impossible.He gets paranoid at times,he hears things that are not there.He picks fights for no apparent reason.He sleeps 98 percent of the time when he is home and not working.I could go on forever,everything about him is polar opposite of the man I have been with for 25 years.
My frustration today and for the past several weeks,besides dealing with a crazy man,is I have to keep all my feelings inside.People do not get it,especially my 3 sons.This has hurt me so much.Of course they don't live with him,they don't see him as much.I belong to a FTD support forum,and everything I am going through is common among FTD dementia.They are a lifeline to me.He barely brushes his teeth anymore,if I didn't say anything many times he wouldn't shower.The hardest thing for me to deal with is he has no insight whatsoever into his behavior.This frustrates me to no end.He can scream and yell at me,and than if I try and talk nicely to him about it,he says he doesn't know what I am talking about.
This disease has turned him into a 5 year old.Even though I know he can't help it,every day a piece of my soul crumbles.More to follow.....

The Big D is Back,Living with Depression

Chaos,that is how my brain,my emotions and heart feel.The past few days,all i want to do is sleep.I just spent some time trying to clean up my moms guest room,and of course because of my damn knee,my arthritis I have to take lots of breaks.Than I ask myself,I am doing this because I don't want to hear any shit from mom.She is a neat freak,a cleanliness nut.I am not.Hubby and I tried to talk about money.Dead End.He insists on being 100 percent truthful about his business income tax.We are broke,we just barely have enough money,and he wants to just give it away.
My house is falling apart.I don't want luxury ,I just want basic maintenance.I feel like screaming!

I will try and write more later,my brain hurts right now....

Starting a New Blog

Hello everyone.I finally can think,and have gotten over mostly the exhaustion from the U.Penn Journey.The Good News is,Paul does not have frontotemporal dementia.The bad news is,he does have brain shrinkage,and some deficits,and it could turn into dementia down the road.Now we both have to work on rebuilding this shattered marriage.The Good News,We both seem to want the same thing for our marriage.The Bad....i feel like a shell of a woman,a person.I feel like I am drifting ,lost ,very lost at sea.
So,either I will figure out how to change the title of this blog,or create a totally new one.....I will keep you posted.
I missed writing on this blog,and I missed all of you,my soul sisters across the web...Peace

High Anxiety!

I have been running around all morning,getting ready for the big trip tomorrow.Lots of dog stuff to bring in the car to the kennel,getting 2 big dogs in the car,the 2- minute car trip,getting them out of the car,into the kennel.Did I tell you already I hate leaving the dogs at the kennel??!!!
I have learned,through this Dementia thing,that my patience level is low.I have been under so much stress for such a long time,I can't tolerate much stress anymore.I need lots of patience with hubby now.I wonder how I make it through each day.When people say,One day at a time,how about one minute at a time??
I hate long car rides,but I have to go .Husband stresses me out just being at home now,I have to have the long car ride with someone who is impaired.Oh well,I am glad the Dr. is going to see him,and it will be over with before I know it.Peace....

Countdown to Wednesday

This may be the last blog until next week.I was originally going to take hubby to Hershey U.Penn ,than he got mad and told me he didn't want me to go.Dr,emailed me this am,and said I have to go.I knew that it was crucial for me to be there,since hubby does not think there is anything wrong with him.Anyway,so glad I got the dogs their kennel cough spray and their rabies shots.Now I have them ready to go.Called the kennel back,the lady must think I am nuts!So will be dropping 2 dogs off there tomorrow afternoon.We leave Wed am at 6.Paul's first appt is Thursday 10:30 am.According to a lady from my support board,Paul will be testing most of 2 days.So I think,we will be heading back down here on Saturday,but am not sure.
Anyway....I have to leave my comfort zone once again,which hasn't been too much of a comfort zone anyway,with the way hubby is acting.
I hate leaving my dogs at the kennel,but this appt is so crucial it is not funny.I know they will survive,but they are older,and I still hate it.

Anyway,if I don't post tomorrow,I will surely post when I get back and update you on the latest in the diagnosis of Paul.Peace

Lazy Days and Wind!

It is 8:48 EST,I basically laid around all day,in between chores of course.Hubby was home most of the day,and didn't talk much,and was blank,but at least he wasn;'t mean.It is so weird to have your husband here,but not really"here"It is lonely,but I best get used to it,it isn't going to get any better,it will get worse.
I am happy Paul decided he didn't want me to go to U.Penn with him.I can't take any more stress right now.My knee and legs have had it from overdoing it since my surgery in December.

Youngest son moved out this weekend.Of course he still has a crap load of stuff here.I am happy though,he has his own place,but it is just down the road.
Youngest son can drive me crazy,but I love him,he will always be my baby.My oldest son comes home to SC tomorrow to see his wife and daughter,after being at my ex husband's funeral.This whole week felt surreal.Actually my whole life has felt surreal.
Hubby also has been sleeping most of the day,actually 99 percent of the day.That is what he does mostly now when he is home.Sleeps,eats snacks,sleeps some more,drives me nuts,sleeps...you get the pictures.
I just finished 2 Vampire books,by a new author I discovered.I have the 3rd one here,but I started reading something spiritual,mind you,not religious,spiritual.So far I read 5 chapters.
I have been playing a lot of handheld yahtzee to keep me from going insane.
LOL It is 36 degrees here,and I have my desk fan on from hot flashes!I know there are lots of other women out there with the same problem.
I have been trying to eat better again,which I managed to do for a year and a half,and than I went crazy when all the crap with hubby went down.I am not being crazy,but trying to make better choices.I have no desire to starve myself.
All my days,seem to run into each other,since I no longer have a spouse.Well you know what I mean,his brain is gone.
Whether I want it or not,my life has changed forever,and I best deal with it.Peace

The Waiting Game

High anxiety.That is how I feel these days.U.Penn called today,and got Paul preregistered.I am glad,on the other hand,scared.If this new Doc doesn't find anything,then I am living with a psychopath and I have to make plans.Plans for my future that don't include him.
I have been really hurting about my middle 2 sons.I have though back over the years.There were many times where things happened between me and Paul ,and Paul told the boys bad things about me,they had no business knowing.So I am very angry at Paul right now.Of course ,that is not the only reason.
It is a huge reason though.I have put up with so much crap from him for 23 years,they act like he was a saint.I taught him how to be a better parent.When I met him,and say how he treated his 2 kids from his first marriage,I was scared.I was also trapped.Ex left me,no money,no place to go.So,I walk right into another fire.Maybe I am so damaged from my baggage,and I wanted everything to be good.I prayed it would be good,I tried to make it good.I can't make a relationship by myself.It takes two.
Even though I know,besides my faults,I was a damn good wife to him,and mother to my sons,it hurts me to my soul to be treated like a stranger to my husband,and by my 2 middle sons.
I just can't let it go.I try,but I can't.
Even though Paul is alive in some ways,the Paul I fell in love with is gone.The person who replaced him is horrible.Evil,nasty,viscious and cruel and very spiteful.
If it wasn't for my cats and dogs,I would have been gone already.This is killing me,my spirit,heart and soul.I can't take it much longer.I want peace ,peace ,peace.I don't think I will ever have it.
BTW...I was supposed to go to Hershey U.Penn with him,but he doesn't want me to go,and frankly between my knee surgery,the grandaughters birth,the day to day living with Satan.I have nothing left.I am utterly exhausted.This is the end of the road.If this Doc finds nothing wrong,husband said he will go to no more Doctors.

One more thing to add

I forgot to mention,Satan aka Paul told my sons terrible things about me at various times when they were growing up.Things that should have been between me and him.So I partially blame him for the estrangement of my 3 sons.I hate you ,son of a bitch!

When Love Dies,And My Marriage is Over

I feel dead inside.I have reached the point of no return with my "marriage"it is not really a marriage ,it is in legal terms only.My marriage ended a long time ago.Just took me so friggin long to see.
Two nights ago,Satan aka hubby said the most cruel and hurtful things to me.I will never forget them,as they stabbed me in my already bleeding heart.He told me he is the way he is because he had to deal with my depression all these years.That I am the reason he is stressed and miserable.
He may as well have taken a dagger to my heart.I sat there sobbing,and of course because something is really wrong with his brain,no emotion,no reaction.
Pitiful,my life is pitiful.
Even though Paul has gotten much much worse,I have been flashing back to the very beginning of our marriage.It made Paul feel powerful and in control,because I was so needy and desperate.As long as I was dealing with my baggage,he felt like a man.He certainly came into the relationship with his own fucking baggage.He was a crack addict when I met him,and I didn't know.My ex husband had a coke problem,and I don't mean Coca-Cola either.However with Paul,instead of acting like speed with him,it mellowed him out.I went through hell in those years.
He has never been an easy person to live with.Whenever we have had problems,arguments,he has always blamed me for everything,my family blamed me for everything,when I was growing up,and my 2 middle sons and my youngest blame me as well.
Folks I am fed up,I have absolutely had it .No one else is going to shit on me,and me just take it.
I am taking my life back.I may be poor,may be penniless,but at least i will have my dignity!

I have also decided the 2 of the "friends" in my life are going to be no longer.They bring me down,make me feel worse about myself.Good Bye,you are dragging me down,and you no longer have a place in my life.I would rather be alone,than feel like shit whenever I talk to you or see you.
I am going to start going to plays,concerts,lectures,etc...I am going to create my own life,on my terms.If anyone doesn't like it,I don't care.
It is long overdue.
From my biological father,to my ex husband,to other men,and therapists and Doctors.YOu have shit on this chick for the last time.
We women are raised that it is not lady like to get angry,.Bull CRAP!We are entitled to our emotions the same as you shit head men,whoever you may be.
I am going to treat myself to the movies,breakfast,lunch,whatever.I don't need a man to complete my life.I have put off my needs,wants and desires for everyone else.It is my turn baby,at 46 I am going to take care of me,think of what I want and need for my well being.
This is my Declaration of Independence World!Do not Fuck with me,ya hear???I am no doormat,I am no idiot.Just because I have depression ,and I am not perfect,gives no one the right to shit on me.
I am going to live today!Peace....

Early Morning Shock

I got a phone call 6:30 this am from my oldest son.My ex husband,his father died at 48 years old,while undergoing a routine hernia operation.There was no love lost between me and his father.However,I do feel sadness for my 3 oldest sons.The weren't super close to their dad,but in his own warped way,I am sure he loved them.
My oldest son was so torn up,because finally he gets to bring his baby girl home from the hospital today,and now he has to go to a funeral.

It is amazing how life's big twists can bring you back to an earlier time.I remember being crazy madly in love with this man,than after he left me with 3 toddlers and no money,such hatred.
Over the years,I wouldn't say I hated him,but I couldn't stand to be in his company either.Had to go through 3 weddings,with him there.He was pleasant,but I hated seeing him.
It amazes me,that now they lost their biological father,and their Step dad,Paulie is gone to them also because of the dementia.Of course it will kill him eventually.I think I am still in shock from this am's phone call.I just got back from the vet(big ordeal)2 big dogs.Now they will be able to go to the kennel,while I take hubby to UPenn.
I was very very sad when I went to bed.I can't believe how uncomfortable I feel in my own home when Paul is home.There is so much silence now.It is like having someone already dead but their body still there.Very weird feeling.I do feel bad for my exes wife too.It was his third marriage,and they have only been married 2 years.Well I think that is all for right now.Peace

My life in the madhouse

The past week or so,Paul aka Satan,has been making all kinds of weird noises and vocalizations.Tonight he was mostly silent upon coming home from work,than he started singing nonsense in a falsetto voice.It is driving me mad!

Lately he mimics the birds outside,the cats,the tv,the appliances.He talks to himself all the time,and no I am not talking about what we all do ladies .I mean he really talks to himself.This is the most bizarre disease I have ever seen.I can't wait until he is mute.I know sounds terrible,but on my blog I aim to keep it real.So being real,I do not want any of this,I do not feel anything towards hubby anymore.Living like this 4-5 years is damaging,it has damaged my heart,my soul,and a lot of my love.

Whoever is out there and is living with a spouse with frontotemporal dementia,or some other kind,you know what I mean?
I am awaiting the Dr. in Hershey,I had Paul's records faxed today.I need to know asap,so I can get a cheap hotel room,while we are there.I want closure,I want a Dr. to listen to me,and do the right tests.This is the end of the Medical road for us,Paul said,if this guy says nothing is wrong,that is that.
So a lot is hinging on this diagnostic testing.Of course my sanity for one thing.I feel as if I have been holding on by a mere thread.
It is so weird to have this man ,who is legally my husband,not share anything anymore.We always talked about the kids,now he never mentions our 4 sons.He used to call me every morning,just to hear my voice,now he rarely calls,and if he does,he is pretty unintelligable on the phone,sometimes he j ust stops talking and there is silence.
My heart hurts because of Donovan.My precious Donovan,who I will never know.My family is my life,has been my life,and 2 have 2 sons so cold,I can't understand it.It is not like they ever said,Hey mom I am pissed off at you because of.........They haven't told me anything.I can handle the truth,I can't handle cruelty,especially at the hands of my 2 middle sons.
I am in isolation mode this week,it is my way of protecting myself from all the Shitheads out there,and boy there are plenty.So many hurtful things said to me over the past few years,few months,few weeks.So I go inside my own little cocoon,and stay by myself .I need to shut the crazy world out for a few days.
It is nighttime,which means lonliness.At least it was a lovely day,and I got to sit on the porch a lot with the dogs.Nice breeze,quiet.
Youngest son moves out this weekend.He is back to denial about his dad.So that means I am the baddie all over again.
Time for a cigarette...Peace

So blue,So lonely,So down

Weekends used to be so nice,that was before Dementia took over my hubbies brain.Now they are pure Hell.I hate them.My physical health is for sure being effected by his illness,and all the shit I have to put up with.While I am happy to take him to the Dr.in Hershey,Car rides are pure hell with this man.It will be just tons more stress,but I have to do it.

I have been so stressed out lately,my hot flashes have come back with a vengeance.I am already hot natured,so I feel like a human bbq pit.I am at my pc with a fan blowing on my face,and it is only 52 degrees out.

I am really bummed about my 2 middle sons,how they don't seem to care,it really gets to me,I try not to let it,but I can't help it.
My hound dog Gracie who is almost 9 and a half is showing signs of old age,I am noticing little things that are going wrong.My cat Spanky is the oldest cat right now,and ever since Cato died a few months back,he is not the same.He lost weight,he has a cold,he is lethargic.He can't jump as well.I know it broke his heart when Cato went.They were like Salt and Pepper.Destiny my calico who is around 8 has some kind of weird skin thing going on.I take her and Spanky to the vet this week.
I am happy to say my turtle is doing great.She got real sick several months back,and I really though I was going to lose her.I even bought turtle vites off the net,and a new heat lamp.She is doing amazing.I am so happy.
Well my left knee is doing much better,but I notice the past few days,my right knee acting up.I know there is a direct link to depression and body aches.I do have arthritis and fibro,so who knows what is making it hurt.
I woke up from my nap today with a panic attack.I hate when that happens.I feel like a am standing on a deserted island all by myself,with no boat in sight.Peace

The Black Dog Returns,I am depressed

I wanted to post last night,just didn't have it in me.I felt really bad yesterday,physically and emotionally.The night before last I tripped and fell,and really hurt myself.I didn't break anything,but I fell on the surgery knee,and my hands with the arthritis are killing me.Nothing new in the Dementia front,except I just can't stand living with my husband this way.It is like being with a 53 year old toddler.
I woke up this am,to a mess in the kitchen,made my husband because he was up all night.The garbage was overflowing,garbage all over.I have enough jobs in the am to do with the cats and dogs and turtle.
Got a call from one of my middle sons,who has kept me away from grandson.I was so sad when I got off the phone.Number one,I could tell by his tone,that he doesn't believe me about his step dad.He wasn't mean,but he wasn't warm either.I raised my sons with lots of love and affection.I can't stand being around cold,robotic people.I can't believe that 2 of my sons are so cold.
Satan just left for mens prayer,what a joke,he is so mean,nasty,cruel,he is everything opposite of how Jesus is.I know it is the Dementia,but at this point,I don't care.
I am so lonely,I am tired of people not believing me about hubbies Dementia.
I have a super busy week coming up,I need to get the 2 dogs Kennel Cough for boarding them when I go to Hershey-UPenn with hubby the week of March 10th.I have 2 sick cats,who I am bringing to the vet this week.I have to contact Duke in NC to get hubbies records faxed to Dr.E in PA.I have to talk with my best bud about cat and turtle care while I am gone.
I have to pay bills,make phone calls,go grocery shopping(yuck),get my rx's refilled,and on and on.
My kitchen floor looks like a mudroom,and I just don't have it in me to mop it.I hate when I feel like this.
Sunday March 9th I get a measly hour or so with my 2 year old grandson.I have to drive 30 minutes to see him,because they won't bring him to our home.I will do it to be with Donovan,but his parents make me angry.
Than the week after we go to PA,I am leaving for a week in SC to spend some good time with new grandaughter Katrina Grace and my son Tom and his super wife Kristin.I am not a big fan of driving long distances,but you do what you gotta do.
My youngest son has been a real snot lately.Last night he upset me,he moves out next weekend,Hooray!He has so much crap in his room upstairs,I can't wait for the room to be empty,so I can someday transform it into a nice sitting room/aka guest room.
I am disgusted with myself and my eating habits.I know how to eat right,I know all about healthy foods,however when I am depressed or sad,I just don't eat right.All my clothing is tight again,it was so nice before all this for the first time in years,to have my clothing baggy.
I don't know what to say to people anymore.When I feel like this I isolate myself.So many people don't know what to say to me,or they say something cruel,or well meaning but stupid,which makes me feel worse.
I have so much to do today,but i don't feel like doing anything but showering and reading.
I check in on my online support group for FTD daily,many times daily.It is my one sanity in my insane world with hubby.Those people truly are the only ones that understand my plight.
I feel bad that we all have to go through this.Peace

Finally Good News!

I heard from the FTD Dr. at U.Penn today,he asked if we could come the week of March 10th??Are you kidding,this is an answer to my prayers.Finally after all the perserverence,pain,agony,grief,anger.Someone has listened to me in the medical community!I need the official diagnosis,need it to prove to Paul that he has dementia,need it for legal reasons.Need it to show people that Hey,his wife actually does know what she is talking about.I am relieved.
It is cold here tonight,we have a very cold wind blowing.Husband is watching his tv marathon.I apologized to him today,even though I wasn't wrong,to calm him down.He is psycho,you have to be one step ahead. Now I have to take 2 dogs to the vet for Bordatella ,kennel cough.Waiting for the lady at the kennel to call me back.Next I need to make budget hotel arrangements,my best bud already said she would check in on cats,and I need to ask about the turtle.
I also decided today,i want to go down and spend Easter with my new grandaughter and son and daughter in love,without my mom.No offense to her,but I want to bond with this grandbaby,I got gipped with my grandson,and when mom is around,everything is about her.So even though she may be offended,tough shit.It is time for me...Peace

Out into the real world

I just got back from breakfast out with a friend.It felt good to be out and about,the friend who took me,it was a late birthday present,adds to my stress levels.She lives in a little tiny "Christian"world.It wasn't too bad,but I can only handle small amounts of time with her.Tomorrow on the other hand,I meet my best bud Christina for some pampering at the salon.She is getting a cut,me a color.I haven't had my hair colored in like 8 months.It was good to leave the house early this am before Satan got up.I was gone and out of the house,didn't have to see him,or feel the huge amount of tension.At least he is at work with son today,I will take any peace I can get.
The friend Betty asked me this am,well if someone were to take Paul into the thier house,would you be ok with that.I was like,Take him,get him out of my house.I don't care.I can't stand living with him.I think she was shocked,but i don't care.
My son sent some more "Katrina"pictures this am.Oh she is so adorable.I can't believe I have a grandaughter,it still seems surreal.
I have been avoiding my mom,I am angry with her.Of course I can't tell her that.She get's very defensive,even if I word it nicely.So the only way I can deal with it,is to limit my conversations with her until I get a grip.
The sun is shining here today,but my world seems gray.It is 43 degrees in southern VA.
I called the Dr. From U.Penn this am,got a voicemail.Left a message,hopefully someone will call me.I am tired of making a ton of calls,filling out mountains of paperwork,dealing with all this shit,but I have to,I have to keep going.Peace

Books on Dementia

Over the past several months,I have been reading anything on Dementia I can find.Some of the books have been good,the best one I have read so far,about a wife's day to day living with a demented crazy husband is called "A Glass Full of Tears" by June Lund Shiplett.I ordered it used off of Amazon.I started it last night,and I am almost done.She articulates how horrible it is to live with a person with Dementia,and what it does to the wife.I highly recommend it.I am also reading Mermaid in the Basement,by Michael Lee West.That one I am not getting through so fast.It is fiction that takes place in the South.
I can't concentrate very well,so I have been playing handheld Yahtzee in between chores,and before I go to bed.
Paul came home from work,went straight upstairs.I am sure once I go to bed,he will be up and eating nonstop until the wee hours of the morning.At least he isn't irritating me,or yelling,or giving me 20 questions.I read the book a month ago,"The 36 hour day",it got great reviews,I didn't care for it.Didn't tell me anything I didn't know and it is fine if you have money and can pretty much plan what your life will be like.Not for poor folk like me and lots of others.I didn't even finish it.
I feel the tension in the house,in myself.My heart is racing.My chest feels tight.My head hurts,my legs hurt,and my heart hurts bad.
I had a nice conversation with my best bud today and she is the only one friend I have in person who lets me vent.Thanks Christina,I love you!
Life isn't fun anymore.I have lost hope.I was happy to get an update on my new grandaughter tonight,Daddy was very happy to have held her a lot today.I hope when I lay down in my bed tonight,my mind doesn't race,and sleep comes quickly.Nights are very lonely.Peace

Depressed,Discouraged,and Angry

I woke up feeling very depressed and discouraged.Of course my animals keep me from laying in bed for hours.Paul didn't speak one word to me this morning.I am very thankful,but the tension in the house is palpable,and raw.
He is working with son today.That means at least half a day of some kind of peace,and space.
I can't believe that this morning,my mother actually asked if Paul had bi-polar.I wanted to scream,stomp,yell.I calmly told her the details,the facts,etc...Than she proceeded to tell me to lay off the diet coke and wine.I almost laughed at her.This was only the second time in maybe 6 months I had a little wine mixed in with my diet coke.She said I am worried about you becoming an alcholic,ROFLMAO.So sad,well meaning people who have no fucking clue.If I drink any alcohol in a one year period it is usually no more than 3 times .I hardly think that qualifies me as an alcoholic!.
It really hurts deep when your own family doubts your husband's illness.I got downright indignant with mom and told her,I don't need a diagnosis to know there is something wrong with husband's brain.Of course I am the only one dealing with this fulltime.
The way I feel today,Everyone else who doesn't understand ,well meaning or not,can go to Hell.
I am sick of this.
I think 23 years with this man qualifies me to know him better than anyone.People are so fucking stupid.
Even family,sometimes especially family.
Son Brian who has kept Donovan from my life ,emailed me the other day to invite me to lunch with him,his wife,my grandson and my other son Daniel,who hasn't spoken to me since he was mean and viscious to me the night before my knee surgery.Of course I am going to go,I want to see my grandson.I have no interest in seeing son Dan and his stupid wife.
Oh well,as usual I will eat crow to please everyone else.
What people don't understand is,my marriage ended 4 years ago,when Paul started really showing symptoms of Frontotemporal dementia.So legally I am married,but not in any other way.
I would rather live alone.Just my dogs,cats,turtle and me.
You know what Mom,if I want a fucking diet coke with a little wine mixed in,that is my choice,I am 46,and I will do whatever I damn well please to try and deal with this horrible life I have right now.I would gladly send husband aka Satan to any relative that wants the burden,any church buddies of his.Of course not,people want to preach to me,lecture me,give me positive thinking tips.Hey mom,wanna take Paulie off my hands for a month.Go ahead.Of course you won't,that is the hard part.It is easier to offer advice.Go to Hell world,Go to Hell.

Back From Sumter South Carolina!

I don't know how well I will be able to express myself tonight.I arrived home Sunday afternoon,after a 6 hour drive.I have a precious new grandaughter,Katrina Grace.She arrived 5 weeks early,weighing in at 5 pounds 11 oz.She had some complications,was rushed to Infant intensive care,but she is doing really well now.I got to be in the delivery room,which was a very pleasant surprise.Daughter in law originally wanted just her and my son Tom.When labor started she wanted me in there.I have 2 grandbabies now,and was lucky enough to witness and participate in both their births.
When I got home ,both giant water bowls for the dogs and cats were bone dry.This was a big worry when I left.Of course Satan,oops I mean "husband" assured me all was well.Then again,he has Dementia.
It was bittersweet not to be able to share the joy like we used to over family events,I got over it pretty quickly though,as the time there was hectic,and I was sleep deprived,as was everyone else.
I am thankful Katrina will be coming home soon,I know my son and daughter in love will be too.

Of course my joy was not to be,as Satan reared his ugly head around 5 pm,sundowning time in Dementia terms.Normally I am very patient,I was running on fumes,and when he started in on me I freaked out.Which of course makes someone with dementia lots worse.
He came home from work with son tonight,and started in on me again tonight.Tonight I really lost it.I screamed and cursed him,he started to threaten me,he put his finger on me,and said what are you going to do.I told him,you touch me ,I call the cops,they drag your damn ass away.I told him to get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone.Of course,being that he has dementia,he thinks he is fine,and I am the one with the problem.This only adds to my anger and frustration,because according to him,I am always wrong and he is fine.
Tonight,I sent like the 5th email to the Dr. at U.Penn who already agreed to get Paul in to his program,still haven't heard back since the original reply Feb 14th.
I am burned out,tired,angry ,very angry.I who am not a drinker of alcohol by any means,just poured some red wine in my diet coke.Of course the psycho crazy hubby stopped 2 of his meds as well,which were anti psychotics and mood stabalizers.So on one hand,I am overjoyed about the new life in our family,a girl after years and years of boys.On the other hand,I am trying to hold it together,handle everything,including Paul;s stuff,yadayada.Honest to God,if it weren't for my online FTD support group,I do not know what I would do.They have been invaluable.They give me a reality check.No one else on this earth ,other than them,truly understand what I am going through.I feel really alone.I am mad a certain people in our lives who either stay away,or don't seem to give a shit.
I am planning a trip down to SC for Easter,with my mom,my brother from California,my youngest son Nick.I plan to board the dogs this time,so I don't have to worry about them.My best friend will be looking in on the cats.I feel as if I am suffocating in my own home.I hate that feeling,this home should be my sanctuary,it is now my prison,when Paul is home.
Peace

My Grandaughter is on her way!Yehaaaaaa

Just a quick blog before I leave for South Carolina.My oldest son called me a little while ago and my daughter in law Kristin;s water broke,and she is 3 cm dilated.I am awaiting the next call to tell me what hospital to go to and the directions.I am so excited I cannot even describe it.Katrina Grace your Mimi is coming.I love you and I can't wait to see you.Peace.....
Won't be blogging for a day or so will be away

PS...I forgot to tell you....

I almost forgot,the 78 pounds it took me so damn long to lose,25 of them have found their way back to my body,just thought I would share...Peace