I heard from the FTD Dr. at U.Penn today,he asked if we could come the week of March 10th??Are you kidding,this is an answer to my prayers.Finally after all the perserverence,pain,agony,grief,anger.Someone has listened to me in the medical community!I need the official diagnosis,need it to prove to Paul that he has dementia,need it for legal reasons.Need it to show people that Hey,his wife actually does know what she is talking about.I am relieved.
It is cold here tonight,we have a very cold wind blowing.Husband is watching his tv marathon.I apologized to him today,even though I wasn't wrong,to calm him down.He is psycho,you have to be one step ahead. Now I have to take 2 dogs to the vet for Bordatella ,kennel cough.Waiting for the lady at the kennel to call me back.Next I need to make budget hotel arrangements,my best bud already said she would check in on cats,and I need to ask about the turtle.
I also decided today,i want to go down and spend Easter with my new grandaughter and son and daughter in love,without my mom.No offense to her,but I want to bond with this grandbaby,I got gipped with my grandson,and when mom is around,everything is about her.So even though she may be offended,tough shit.It is time for me...Peace
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Out into the real world
I just got back from breakfast out with a friend.It felt good to be out and about,the friend who took me,it was a late birthday present,adds to my stress levels.She lives in a little tiny "Christian"world.It wasn't too bad,but I can only handle small amounts of time with her.Tomorrow on the other hand,I meet my best bud Christina for some pampering at the salon.She is getting a cut,me a color.I haven't had my hair colored in like 8 months.It was good to leave the house early this am before Satan got up.I was gone and out of the house,didn't have to see him,or feel the huge amount of tension.At least he is at work with son today,I will take any peace I can get.
The friend Betty asked me this am,well if someone were to take Paul into the thier house,would you be ok with that.I was like,Take him,get him out of my house.I don't care.I can't stand living with him.I think she was shocked,but i don't care.
My son sent some more "Katrina"pictures this am.Oh she is so adorable.I can't believe I have a grandaughter,it still seems surreal.
I have been avoiding my mom,I am angry with her.Of course I can't tell her that.She get's very defensive,even if I word it nicely.So the only way I can deal with it,is to limit my conversations with her until I get a grip.
The sun is shining here today,but my world seems gray.It is 43 degrees in southern VA.
I called the Dr. From U.Penn this am,got a voicemail.Left a message,hopefully someone will call me.I am tired of making a ton of calls,filling out mountains of paperwork,dealing with all this shit,but I have to,I have to keep going.Peace
The friend Betty asked me this am,well if someone were to take Paul into the thier house,would you be ok with that.I was like,Take him,get him out of my house.I don't care.I can't stand living with him.I think she was shocked,but i don't care.
My son sent some more "Katrina"pictures this am.Oh she is so adorable.I can't believe I have a grandaughter,it still seems surreal.
I have been avoiding my mom,I am angry with her.Of course I can't tell her that.She get's very defensive,even if I word it nicely.So the only way I can deal with it,is to limit my conversations with her until I get a grip.
The sun is shining here today,but my world seems gray.It is 43 degrees in southern VA.
I called the Dr. From U.Penn this am,got a voicemail.Left a message,hopefully someone will call me.I am tired of making a ton of calls,filling out mountains of paperwork,dealing with all this shit,but I have to,I have to keep going.Peace
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Books on Dementia
Over the past several months,I have been reading anything on Dementia I can find.Some of the books have been good,the best one I have read so far,about a wife's day to day living with a demented crazy husband is called "A Glass Full of Tears" by June Lund Shiplett.I ordered it used off of Amazon.I started it last night,and I am almost done.She articulates how horrible it is to live with a person with Dementia,and what it does to the wife.I highly recommend it.I am also reading Mermaid in the Basement,by Michael Lee West.That one I am not getting through so fast.It is fiction that takes place in the South.
I can't concentrate very well,so I have been playing handheld Yahtzee in between chores,and before I go to bed.
Paul came home from work,went straight upstairs.I am sure once I go to bed,he will be up and eating nonstop until the wee hours of the morning.At least he isn't irritating me,or yelling,or giving me 20 questions.I read the book a month ago,"The 36 hour day",it got great reviews,I didn't care for it.Didn't tell me anything I didn't know and it is fine if you have money and can pretty much plan what your life will be like.Not for poor folk like me and lots of others.I didn't even finish it.
I feel the tension in the house,in myself.My heart is racing.My chest feels tight.My head hurts,my legs hurt,and my heart hurts bad.
I had a nice conversation with my best bud today and she is the only one friend I have in person who lets me vent.Thanks Christina,I love you!
Life isn't fun anymore.I have lost hope.I was happy to get an update on my new grandaughter tonight,Daddy was very happy to have held her a lot today.I hope when I lay down in my bed tonight,my mind doesn't race,and sleep comes quickly.Nights are very lonely.Peace
I can't concentrate very well,so I have been playing handheld Yahtzee in between chores,and before I go to bed.
Paul came home from work,went straight upstairs.I am sure once I go to bed,he will be up and eating nonstop until the wee hours of the morning.At least he isn't irritating me,or yelling,or giving me 20 questions.I read the book a month ago,"The 36 hour day",it got great reviews,I didn't care for it.Didn't tell me anything I didn't know and it is fine if you have money and can pretty much plan what your life will be like.Not for poor folk like me and lots of others.I didn't even finish it.
I feel the tension in the house,in myself.My heart is racing.My chest feels tight.My head hurts,my legs hurt,and my heart hurts bad.
I had a nice conversation with my best bud today and she is the only one friend I have in person who lets me vent.Thanks Christina,I love you!
Life isn't fun anymore.I have lost hope.I was happy to get an update on my new grandaughter tonight,Daddy was very happy to have held her a lot today.I hope when I lay down in my bed tonight,my mind doesn't race,and sleep comes quickly.Nights are very lonely.Peace
Depressed,Discouraged,and Angry
I woke up feeling very depressed and discouraged.Of course my animals keep me from laying in bed for hours.Paul didn't speak one word to me this morning.I am very thankful,but the tension in the house is palpable,and raw.
He is working with son today.That means at least half a day of some kind of peace,and space.
I can't believe that this morning,my mother actually asked if Paul had bi-polar.I wanted to scream,stomp,yell.I calmly told her the details,the facts,etc...Than she proceeded to tell me to lay off the diet coke and wine.I almost laughed at her.This was only the second time in maybe 6 months I had a little wine mixed in with my diet coke.She said I am worried about you becoming an alcholic,ROFLMAO.So sad,well meaning people who have no fucking clue.If I drink any alcohol in a one year period it is usually no more than 3 times .I hardly think that qualifies me as an alcoholic!.
It really hurts deep when your own family doubts your husband's illness.I got downright indignant with mom and told her,I don't need a diagnosis to know there is something wrong with husband's brain.Of course I am the only one dealing with this fulltime.
The way I feel today,Everyone else who doesn't understand ,well meaning or not,can go to Hell.
I am sick of this.
I think 23 years with this man qualifies me to know him better than anyone.People are so fucking stupid.
Even family,sometimes especially family.
Son Brian who has kept Donovan from my life ,emailed me the other day to invite me to lunch with him,his wife,my grandson and my other son Daniel,who hasn't spoken to me since he was mean and viscious to me the night before my knee surgery.Of course I am going to go,I want to see my grandson.I have no interest in seeing son Dan and his stupid wife.
Oh well,as usual I will eat crow to please everyone else.
What people don't understand is,my marriage ended 4 years ago,when Paul started really showing symptoms of Frontotemporal dementia.So legally I am married,but not in any other way.
I would rather live alone.Just my dogs,cats,turtle and me.
You know what Mom,if I want a fucking diet coke with a little wine mixed in,that is my choice,I am 46,and I will do whatever I damn well please to try and deal with this horrible life I have right now.I would gladly send husband aka Satan to any relative that wants the burden,any church buddies of his.Of course not,people want to preach to me,lecture me,give me positive thinking tips.Hey mom,wanna take Paulie off my hands for a month.Go ahead.Of course you won't,that is the hard part.It is easier to offer advice.Go to Hell world,Go to Hell.
He is working with son today.That means at least half a day of some kind of peace,and space.
I can't believe that this morning,my mother actually asked if Paul had bi-polar.I wanted to scream,stomp,yell.I calmly told her the details,the facts,etc...Than she proceeded to tell me to lay off the diet coke and wine.I almost laughed at her.This was only the second time in maybe 6 months I had a little wine mixed in with my diet coke.She said I am worried about you becoming an alcholic,ROFLMAO.So sad,well meaning people who have no fucking clue.If I drink any alcohol in a one year period it is usually no more than 3 times .I hardly think that qualifies me as an alcoholic!.
It really hurts deep when your own family doubts your husband's illness.I got downright indignant with mom and told her,I don't need a diagnosis to know there is something wrong with husband's brain.Of course I am the only one dealing with this fulltime.
The way I feel today,Everyone else who doesn't understand ,well meaning or not,can go to Hell.
I am sick of this.
I think 23 years with this man qualifies me to know him better than anyone.People are so fucking stupid.
Even family,sometimes especially family.
Son Brian who has kept Donovan from my life ,emailed me the other day to invite me to lunch with him,his wife,my grandson and my other son Daniel,who hasn't spoken to me since he was mean and viscious to me the night before my knee surgery.Of course I am going to go,I want to see my grandson.I have no interest in seeing son Dan and his stupid wife.
Oh well,as usual I will eat crow to please everyone else.
What people don't understand is,my marriage ended 4 years ago,when Paul started really showing symptoms of Frontotemporal dementia.So legally I am married,but not in any other way.
I would rather live alone.Just my dogs,cats,turtle and me.
You know what Mom,if I want a fucking diet coke with a little wine mixed in,that is my choice,I am 46,and I will do whatever I damn well please to try and deal with this horrible life I have right now.I would gladly send husband aka Satan to any relative that wants the burden,any church buddies of his.Of course not,people want to preach to me,lecture me,give me positive thinking tips.Hey mom,wanna take Paulie off my hands for a month.Go ahead.Of course you won't,that is the hard part.It is easier to offer advice.Go to Hell world,Go to Hell.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Back From Sumter South Carolina!
I don't know how well I will be able to express myself tonight.I arrived home Sunday afternoon,after a 6 hour drive.I have a precious new grandaughter,Katrina Grace.She arrived 5 weeks early,weighing in at 5 pounds 11 oz.She had some complications,was rushed to Infant intensive care,but she is doing really well now.I got to be in the delivery room,which was a very pleasant surprise.Daughter in law originally wanted just her and my son Tom.When labor started she wanted me in there.I have 2 grandbabies now,and was lucky enough to witness and participate in both their births.
When I got home ,both giant water bowls for the dogs and cats were bone dry.This was a big worry when I left.Of course Satan,oops I mean "husband" assured me all was well.Then again,he has Dementia.
It was bittersweet not to be able to share the joy like we used to over family events,I got over it pretty quickly though,as the time there was hectic,and I was sleep deprived,as was everyone else.
I am thankful Katrina will be coming home soon,I know my son and daughter in love will be too.
Of course my joy was not to be,as Satan reared his ugly head around 5 pm,sundowning time in Dementia terms.Normally I am very patient,I was running on fumes,and when he started in on me I freaked out.Which of course makes someone with dementia lots worse.
He came home from work with son tonight,and started in on me again tonight.Tonight I really lost it.I screamed and cursed him,he started to threaten me,he put his finger on me,and said what are you going to do.I told him,you touch me ,I call the cops,they drag your damn ass away.I told him to get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone.Of course,being that he has dementia,he thinks he is fine,and I am the one with the problem.This only adds to my anger and frustration,because according to him,I am always wrong and he is fine.
Tonight,I sent like the 5th email to the Dr. at U.Penn who already agreed to get Paul in to his program,still haven't heard back since the original reply Feb 14th.
I am burned out,tired,angry ,very angry.I who am not a drinker of alcohol by any means,just poured some red wine in my diet coke.Of course the psycho crazy hubby stopped 2 of his meds as well,which were anti psychotics and mood stabalizers.So on one hand,I am overjoyed about the new life in our family,a girl after years and years of boys.On the other hand,I am trying to hold it together,handle everything,including Paul;s stuff,yadayada.Honest to God,if it weren't for my online FTD support group,I do not know what I would do.They have been invaluable.They give me a reality check.No one else on this earth ,other than them,truly understand what I am going through.I feel really alone.I am mad a certain people in our lives who either stay away,or don't seem to give a shit.
I am planning a trip down to SC for Easter,with my mom,my brother from California,my youngest son Nick.I plan to board the dogs this time,so I don't have to worry about them.My best friend will be looking in on the cats.I feel as if I am suffocating in my own home.I hate that feeling,this home should be my sanctuary,it is now my prison,when Paul is home.
Peace
When I got home ,both giant water bowls for the dogs and cats were bone dry.This was a big worry when I left.Of course Satan,oops I mean "husband" assured me all was well.Then again,he has Dementia.
It was bittersweet not to be able to share the joy like we used to over family events,I got over it pretty quickly though,as the time there was hectic,and I was sleep deprived,as was everyone else.
I am thankful Katrina will be coming home soon,I know my son and daughter in love will be too.
Of course my joy was not to be,as Satan reared his ugly head around 5 pm,sundowning time in Dementia terms.Normally I am very patient,I was running on fumes,and when he started in on me I freaked out.Which of course makes someone with dementia lots worse.
He came home from work with son tonight,and started in on me again tonight.Tonight I really lost it.I screamed and cursed him,he started to threaten me,he put his finger on me,and said what are you going to do.I told him,you touch me ,I call the cops,they drag your damn ass away.I told him to get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone.Of course,being that he has dementia,he thinks he is fine,and I am the one with the problem.This only adds to my anger and frustration,because according to him,I am always wrong and he is fine.
Tonight,I sent like the 5th email to the Dr. at U.Penn who already agreed to get Paul in to his program,still haven't heard back since the original reply Feb 14th.
I am burned out,tired,angry ,very angry.I who am not a drinker of alcohol by any means,just poured some red wine in my diet coke.Of course the psycho crazy hubby stopped 2 of his meds as well,which were anti psychotics and mood stabalizers.So on one hand,I am overjoyed about the new life in our family,a girl after years and years of boys.On the other hand,I am trying to hold it together,handle everything,including Paul;s stuff,yadayada.Honest to God,if it weren't for my online FTD support group,I do not know what I would do.They have been invaluable.They give me a reality check.No one else on this earth ,other than them,truly understand what I am going through.I feel really alone.I am mad a certain people in our lives who either stay away,or don't seem to give a shit.
I am planning a trip down to SC for Easter,with my mom,my brother from California,my youngest son Nick.I plan to board the dogs this time,so I don't have to worry about them.My best friend will be looking in on the cats.I feel as if I am suffocating in my own home.I hate that feeling,this home should be my sanctuary,it is now my prison,when Paul is home.
Peace
Thursday, February 21, 2008
My Grandaughter is on her way!Yehaaaaaa
Just a quick blog before I leave for South Carolina.My oldest son called me a little while ago and my daughter in law Kristin;s water broke,and she is 3 cm dilated.I am awaiting the next call to tell me what hospital to go to and the directions.I am so excited I cannot even describe it.Katrina Grace your Mimi is coming.I love you and I can't wait to see you.Peace.....
Won't be blogging for a day or so will be away
Won't be blogging for a day or so will be away
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
PS...I forgot to tell you....
I almost forgot,the 78 pounds it took me so damn long to lose,25 of them have found their way back to my body,just thought I would share...Peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
