Manic Monday,or Hell on Earth

I am going to try my best to get all this crud out of my brain,bear with me,there is a lot of crud these days.This disease,FTD for short/Pick's disease robs the person of any rational thought,actions.My husband had been showing symptoms as far as I can remember 3-4 years ago.
In hindsight,I can see other signs and puzzle pieces,and questions about why this man I knew better than anyone,was gone overnight.

The Neuro warned me,"It is going to get much worse,quickly." I knew this from all my hours and hours of research.Having said that,to hear my husband of 23 years accuse me of wanting to put him away,and steal his money(hahah we don't have any)To look at me with evil intent,and talk to me like I am a piece of garbage and a stranger,pains me more than I can say.

I know it is the Nature of the disease,it does not however,make it any easier to deal with.
My husband is Paul,once a boxer in his youth,house painter extraordinaire up until a few years ago,my pal,my comfort,and now my worst nightmare.

I had these fantasies of when all 4 of our sons were grown,we could finally have alone time.You see when we married,we had a ready made family.My 3 sons from first marriage,his 2 from his first marriage.Alas,this is not to be.
I need to sell my house and move soon.I am going to move 1 hour south of where we are not,due to his Neurologist and excellent hospital there,and lots of support services,which I need.

I am usually a super patient person,I have a long fuse.This afternoon after listening to hubby rant and rave and treat me like shit,I lost it,I mean lost it.I told him I wish he would go away.The cauldron of anger spewed forth like a geyser.I am not proud of myself for it,but I am human,and I can only take so much.
I have always had a love affair with food,and as someone who has had clinical depresion her whole adult life,I used to use food as my comfort.Guess what?One tablespoon of food makes me feel sick now.I have to write myself notes to remind myself to eat.

Unfortunately for me,my beloved PC is in the Family room where hubby has taken to sleeping the past few years.It is driving me CRAZY! New residence,the pc is going in my room,away from his 10 hours of Law and Order and every 2 minute channel switching.My brain feels like it is going to explode.

IN the past several weeks he is speaking less and less.Yes,this is a good thing at times,but you see.We used to talk about everything together,so I find myself going to tell him something,and stop myself.
My heart feels like it is bleeding,I have cried more in the past few months than probably my entire life.My heartfelt thanks to J Paravane who inspired me with his writings about his own personal hell with Dementia.Thanks Jimmy.