Why does it have to be my husband God??!!!

Another night,my precious youngest son Nick,just escaped the lunacy which has become my world,our world.Except he can leave the house and get lost in booze and pot :( He was doing so well,than this big whammy about his dad,his pal,his friend,back down into the spiral.I can't leave the craziness which has become my world over the past 4 years or so.I feel as if I am suffocating.Last night after trying again to fall asleep and not have it happen.I went into the Family room,which has become hubbies new bedroom over the past few years,sat in the dark,rubbed his hair and wept.Held his hand,even though there was no sqeeze back.That's ok,darling Paul.You were there for me,for so many years.YOu saw through all my garbage,down to my core,you saw me heart and soul.First and only man to really love me!!!!!! For me.Only man to tell me he loved my eyes,you mean I am more than breasts ,can it be?I was only a thing for my whole life.Than this man comes into my life and tells me I have a beautiful heart,he loves my lips,he loves my less than perfect body,he loves the inside me.It took me so many years to really trust this man.I finally almost totally get there,and Bam,This horrid disease is taking him away from me,minute by minute,day by day,another year.I know it is a pity party,but why me?Haven't I been without real love long enough.I learned many years ago though,that there is never any answers,or comfort,so I cry in the dark alone.