This grief thing is swallowing me whole.I was so tired last night,but couldn't fall asleep for a long time.Had panic attacks,anxiety.I was scared last night.Very scared.Scared of losing my husband,even though the FTD/Pick's stole him from me mentally and emotionally years ago.
He is losing muscle tone and grip.I used to love holding his hand,so strong ,from years of physical labor.Now it is like holding a stick.So sad,so sad.
The only good thing about this disease,is that husband has no clue there is anything wrong.That is a minute comfort to me who is the one watching him slide rapidly into severe brain damage and brain death,and of course,bodily death in the future.
I feel lost,feel helpless,feel sad,anguish.Music is my comfort this morning.Brings out my hidden,buried emotions.I feel nauseous,sick to my stomach.My heart hurts so badly.Please God,Please no more.I can't take much more,the blood from my heart is dripping slowly away.
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3 comments:
Grief, panic attacks, anxiety, fear... i can really relate (although i am in early stage frontal lobe dementia). I'm still "me" most of the time.
I cannot imagine how difficult this time must be for you.. I desperately asked jimmy to put me on DNR so i could go before i got anything like where your husband is at. I hate his being "trapped" taking care of me (i'm terrified of being left alone).
so it is probably jimmy that needs your support and you his.. he is not used to asking for help or getting support. i am afraid my disease is going to kill him as well.. :((
please take care of you. i always found for me that pouring out my emotions and what was going on in a supportive environment helped me a lot. Took me 25 years to heal from the PTSD; but it was always uphill with a victory in sight. now it is the opposite.. fighting and scratching away at my brain trying not to go further down; to not go away..
much care to you..
jimmy's wife
Jimmy's wife we are soul sisters.I am so sad for you,but grateful our paths have crossed.Paul and I have already agreed on DNR ,but it does not make it easier.You dear soul give my my husbands perspective,when he was in the early course if this horrid thing,and I did not understand,I was angry,I didn't know why he was not the same.Thanks for posting to me.I appreciate it.I also have battled PTSD,and of course this illness is bringing it all up again.Take care and write when you can.
dear Blackdove;
always keeping you in mind and hoping that you can hang on. can't type much today.
to my soul sister;
jimmy's wife
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