The Waiting Game

High anxiety.That is how I feel these days.U.Penn called today,and got Paul preregistered.I am glad,on the other hand,scared.If this new Doc doesn't find anything,then I am living with a psychopath and I have to make plans.Plans for my future that don't include him.
I have been really hurting about my middle 2 sons.I have though back over the years.There were many times where things happened between me and Paul ,and Paul told the boys bad things about me,they had no business knowing.So I am very angry at Paul right now.Of course ,that is not the only reason.
It is a huge reason though.I have put up with so much crap from him for 23 years,they act like he was a saint.I taught him how to be a better parent.When I met him,and say how he treated his 2 kids from his first marriage,I was scared.I was also trapped.Ex left me,no money,no place to go.So,I walk right into another fire.Maybe I am so damaged from my baggage,and I wanted everything to be good.I prayed it would be good,I tried to make it good.I can't make a relationship by myself.It takes two.
Even though I know,besides my faults,I was a damn good wife to him,and mother to my sons,it hurts me to my soul to be treated like a stranger to my husband,and by my 2 middle sons.
I just can't let it go.I try,but I can't.
Even though Paul is alive in some ways,the Paul I fell in love with is gone.The person who replaced him is horrible.Evil,nasty,viscious and cruel and very spiteful.
If it wasn't for my cats and dogs,I would have been gone already.This is killing me,my spirit,heart and soul.I can't take it much longer.I want peace ,peace ,peace.I don't think I will ever have it.
BTW...I was supposed to go to Hershey U.Penn with him,but he doesn't want me to go,and frankly between my knee surgery,the grandaughters birth,the day to day living with Satan.I have nothing left.I am utterly exhausted.This is the end of the road.If this Doc finds nothing wrong,husband said he will go to no more Doctors.