I feel dead inside.I have reached the point of no return with my "marriage"it is not really a marriage ,it is in legal terms only.My marriage ended a long time ago.Just took me so friggin long to see.
Two nights ago,Satan aka hubby said the most cruel and hurtful things to me.I will never forget them,as they stabbed me in my already bleeding heart.He told me he is the way he is because he had to deal with my depression all these years.That I am the reason he is stressed and miserable.
He may as well have taken a dagger to my heart.I sat there sobbing,and of course because something is really wrong with his brain,no emotion,no reaction.
Pitiful,my life is pitiful.
Even though Paul has gotten much much worse,I have been flashing back to the very beginning of our marriage.It made Paul feel powerful and in control,because I was so needy and desperate.As long as I was dealing with my baggage,he felt like a man.He certainly came into the relationship with his own fucking baggage.He was a crack addict when I met him,and I didn't know.My ex husband had a coke problem,and I don't mean Coca-Cola either.However with Paul,instead of acting like speed with him,it mellowed him out.I went through hell in those years.
He has never been an easy person to live with.Whenever we have had problems,arguments,he has always blamed me for everything,my family blamed me for everything,when I was growing up,and my 2 middle sons and my youngest blame me as well.
Folks I am fed up,I have absolutely had it .No one else is going to shit on me,and me just take it.
I am taking my life back.I may be poor,may be penniless,but at least i will have my dignity!
I have also decided the 2 of the "friends" in my life are going to be no longer.They bring me down,make me feel worse about myself.Good Bye,you are dragging me down,and you no longer have a place in my life.I would rather be alone,than feel like shit whenever I talk to you or see you.
I am going to start going to plays,concerts,lectures,etc...I am going to create my own life,on my terms.If anyone doesn't like it,I don't care.
It is long overdue.
From my biological father,to my ex husband,to other men,and therapists and Doctors.YOu have shit on this chick for the last time.
We women are raised that it is not lady like to get angry,.Bull CRAP!We are entitled to our emotions the same as you shit head men,whoever you may be.
I am going to treat myself to the movies,breakfast,lunch,whatever.I don't need a man to complete my life.I have put off my needs,wants and desires for everyone else.It is my turn baby,at 46 I am going to take care of me,think of what I want and need for my well being.
This is my Declaration of Independence World!Do not Fuck with me,ya hear???I am no doormat,I am no idiot.Just because I have depression ,and I am not perfect,gives no one the right to shit on me.
I am going to live today!Peace....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I have read your blog a few times and my heart aches for you at times. I love the fact that you have decided to take back your life. My marriage is over after only a short year and a half. I am 46 was divorced from my son's father for 19 years. I met my husband and fell in love but of course we all have baggage. Being a woman of course I felt like I could fix it all. Today I realize it is over. He is a compulsive gambler and drug addict. I have had my experience with the drugs and don't ever want to go back there. After talking to him today I realized I spent the majority of our time together waiting for him to fit me into his life. I don't want to wait any longer for someone to fit me in I just want to be a permanent fixture in a loving relationship. Maybe I wanted that too badly that is how I ended up in such a sick relationship. Anyway, I have decided to take back my life also. I am taking a few coursed at our local vo-tech. I have started going to the movie even if it is by myself but I don't sit at home waiting to fit into someone's life any more. I know you have so much more to deal with in your everyday life. I don't have to deal with a cruel person in my home daily. Know that my prayers are with you and I applaud you for your strength. I believe that words are some of the harshest weapons known to man and I'm sorry that someone you have loved choses to hurt you with them. I know all too well how much they can hurt. Above everything I have decided to have peace in my life and I wish the same for you.
Thank you so much for leaving a comment.I am so happy you have decided to take your life back.I applaud you and wish you the very best.Too many of us women are in the same place.I think we were groomed as such from when we were litle girls.I wish and hope and pray for peace and fullfillment in your own life as well.You deserve it sister!Soul Sisters are we.
Post a Comment