Waiting for Peace...Yeah Right

Last night was a terrible night with hubby.For hours he will not speak,just watch hours and hours of tv.Than,all of a sudden he turns into a monster.It is the nature of Pick's disease,a type of Frontotemporal dementia.I cannot sleep ,except cat naps here and there.I am trying with my very limited resources to take care of myself,hah,that is a joke.I have tons of people telling me look at the bright side,hope your husband gets better,blah blah blah blah.
Guess what folks??! Hubby has a terminal disease.Pick's is a fast progressing dementia,mostly affects people between the ages of 40-60.
The only light at the end of my tunnel is an oncoming train!I used to be such a positive person,I was the eternal optimist.That was before age 13,before the abuse by my father,and other men,before constant anguish,and other traumas I don't care to go into right now.
So,I give birth to 4 sons in 6 years.These boys,now men,are my greatest accomplishment in my book.I loved raising them,I did everything with them and for them.They are all grown and on thier own now,3 are married.
So in my pea brain,I thought,Wow hubby and I will have so much fun,get to finally walk around the house in our skivvies.Go places,do things.Lots of romance.
Three to four years ago,Paul stopped sleeping in bed with me.This was a shocker for me.We had always been cuddlers,super affectionate with each other.In the beginning I begged ,I pleaded,I asked why?No logical answer.He just made the Family room sofa his new home,and I slowly and painfully learned to sleep alone.Of course my cats and dogs keep me compay.I do miss greatly the hand holding in bed,the way my husband and I would talk in bed until the wee hours of the morning about everything and anything.
Not that sex is everything,however Paul and I always enjoyed our sex life.It was another way of showing each other our love.The past 2 years,practically no affection,no sex,no emotion,no love.
The past 9 months it has gotten even worse.I still try and touch Paul,rub his shoulders,hold his hand,kiss him,it is like giving affection to a piece of granite.
I love him no matter what,but these days because of his Jeckyll and Hyde persona,I have to admit,I hate him too.
Go ahead you "Holier Than Thou" types.You people out there whose life is a storybook of constant bliss.Judge me and my bitterness if you will,but guess what.I Don't Care!
All I ever wanted were the simple things in life.I am a giver,a lover ,compassionate.Now I finally think I can have just a little bliss,and now this disease has taken everything.
I had knee surgery 4 weeks ago,because hubby can't do anything around here anymore,guess what?Right after surgery when I was supposed to be taking it easy,I had to do everything around here.I have arthritis in my hands,and my body,I have developed a severe case of Psoriais,my Exzema has come back with a vengeance.
I am tired,I am more than tired.I feel like a Semi truck has run me over flat,and than kept backing up over me again.How much is one person supposed to take.
My best friend,my lover,my support system,my provider is gone.His disease is progressing at a very fast clip.I would be surprised if he lived another year.
On top of all this shit,I am going to lose my house,and in the midst of all the millions of things I have to do ,legal stuff,house stuff,medical stuff for hubby and for me,look for a new place.Going to Social Services,etc...
So at 46,guess what.I have never felt more heartbroken in my entire life,and I have had a lot of heartbreak.I am in such turmoil.I am not afriad to be alone,but I feel so cheated out of this Blessing of a marriage I once had.I am angry my husband has this Pick's disease.He won't even get to know his new Grandaughter .YOu know what I need instead of platitudes and positive affirmations?I need people who will shut up and do something to really help me.I need people to show their love in action,not Scripture quoted at me like a Sunday Sermon.I will tell you what I would like to do with their Scripture!
There are a few good souls near me,who have been helping me as they can.I am very grateful.My mom and my brothers are very supportive and loving,Thanks fam.My oldest son and his beautiful wife are the light of my life!Can't wait to see Katrina Grace in March.First girl born in the family in 46 years.
My 2 middle sons and their selfish wives,I have given up trying to figure out why you are so cruel to me,I need to take care of Paulie.My youngest son is a good soul who happens to have a lot of problems,so he can't be of help to me either.
My therapy are my cats and dogs and my pond turtle,Homey.They are the reason I keep on keeping on,they depend on my daily.If I feel like laying in bed all day because my heart and my body are wracked with pain,I must get up,The pets need me.Paul needs me.
I am tired of hurting,Physically and Mentally.I am just plain Tired.Enough God,Enough already.