It is Wednesday early am.I am bitter and jaded and burned out.People are still trying to give me the positive thinking,scripture shoving down your throat crap.That is because they are not living my hell.So it is easy for them to give me platitudes.
I am sick of it I tell you,sick sick sick of it.
I am so burned out,and tired,and angry and lost,I have so much to do today,but guess what.The paperwork and phone calls are not going to be done today.I have spent almost every waking hour for the past few weeks on the phone,to bill collectors,Doctors,Nurses,Social services,trying to straighten out our financial mess,that husband caused.
And in the midst of all this,the man I once knew is mean,vicious,and cruel.That doesn't even include the fact that it is like taking care of a 4 year old all over again.Last night even though I wrapped the couch in towels and extra sheets,he wet the leather couch,it went through everything.
Starting 3 years ago,at least once a month,husband would wet the bed.This is also part of this disease,incontinence.I have an appt next week to go long at my first choice of Nursing home,for when I can no longer care for him.
I can't do anymore today,my legs are killing me,my head hurts,my health problems are hitting me with a vengeance.The only thing that I am looking forward to is my mom coming Saturday.
I had a very unpleasant 2 phone conversations with the Neuros nurse yesterday.I am tired of being very nice and pleasant,only to be shit on.Still I am nice and pleasant,but you know what people,how much am I supposed to take before I snap??The Neuros nurse was rude, and nasty.I asked her,what am I supposed to do,husband is getting more aggressive and violent.I told you Mrs. Caruso,there is nothing the Dr. can do,you have to call the police.So I guess after husband kills me,than the police can put him away.Even though I am exhausted,I still keep plugging away,I keep on going.I need a break,but of course no one wants to give me one.They just want to keep telling me that God will take care of me.Pardon me while I vomit.How about someone act like Jesus and give me a break for an hour or two,or sit with husband .Of course not, no one wants to do that.It is so much easier to quote Scripture at me,or Positive quotes.
Please don't say those to me anymore,they are meaningless in my world.Peace...
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2 comments:
i have never heard of a good neurologist. they must be a rare breed indeed.
i am so so sorry you are in fear for your live. i've spent most of the week scared cause j is losing it. he is not used to the pressure of me being around all the time and having to take care of bills. i always took care of most everything. he does not reach out for support and care; but then that was always difficult for him.
anyway; i am not totally losing it be a long shot; just scared a lot. what if jimmy can't take it?
if your husband is in such violent moods; there is no where he can be sent or too expensive? hopefully he will just lay there soon and give you the time you need.
much care Deb.
jw's
jimmy can take it. he just beats his head against the wall and makes the dents deeper and keeps on going.(grin)
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