Mourning What Once Was

It is almost 2 pm ,Sunday afternoon.Paul never contacted us,son Nick called his cell,he is at the Comfort Inn,30 minutes from here,and is looking for an apartment.While I am happy he is not in my face.I am so terribly sad .We had such a wonderful relationship for so many years.This man was the most wonderful companion,until FTD Frontotemporal dementia,for those not familiar,stole my husband from me and my children.

It is so weird the mixture of feelings going on inside me,relief not having him look at me with pure hatred,or blank.Relief not having him yell and control the tv for hours ,so I cannot watch a thing.
Such sadness though,Iknow he cannot help that he has this horrible disease.It turns people into horrible human beings.People you don't want to be around.I am grieving the loss of my best friend,my soulmate,my partner,my lover.The guy that was always there to cheer me on.Pick me up when I felt like shit.
No more,it is gone forever.I have accepted it,but it tears my soul into shreds.
I miss the passion from this man,the emotions,the love,the feelings.I miss him gripping my hand with his strong hands from years of painting.
I miss making love with him,snuggling with him,talking in bed for hours and rubbing our feet together. I miss it all.It is gone,gone for good.
I never thought in a million years I would be alone at 46.As our sons got older,I just could not wait to do all kinds of things with Paul,Travel,Visit kids and grandkids,walk around naked when no one is here.They are but a fantasy I will not have.
I know I have said this before in my blog,but it does indeed feel as if my heart is bleeding.It is the best way I know how to describe the feeling.
I am doing Paul's laundry,and got his meds,and clothing together,so son can bring him his stuff tonight.I know I still love this man,even though he is no more.There has been so much crap to deal with that while he is mean,and angry and violent,I don't feel it.
It is still there though.We shared everything together.We raised 4 sons together,laughed ,cried,everything.
I do still love him,but the new Paul is nothing like the man I met and fell in love with.That man has vanished.
I am thankful for my 2 dogs and 8 cats,and of course my pond turtle.They give so much love and demant nothing but affection in return.
Of course it is no replacement for the husband I lost.Peace